025. I’ll be the nothing that will be!

25Jan08

I feel like I’m in a massive rope-jungle, jumping from each emotion at strange whims. Regretful, happiness, tired, tactile/touchy, upset, thankful, isolated, dumb, crying, quirky, loving life, suicidal, perky, intelligent. Within hours of each other. Daaayum, what the hell?

I’m listening to happish music, and feel much better now, but still. Guuh. Moodswings for the lose.

Life is okay now. I picked up knitting again. I haven’t knit since I was in third grade, but I picked it up and have manged to get about seven inches into a scarf. Only, somewhere along the line I picked up an extra stitch. Huuh? I’ve dropped stitches before, but not suddenly gotten another! Ah well. I can’t figure out where it came from, and it’s not terribly noticeable.

I had a huge post ready, about friends and regrets and isolating and a wonderful comparison to an abusive relationship all ready. Then, I talked to people and reevaluated and, you know what? Fuck it. I messed up. I’m going to eat my crow while it’s warm, apologize, and hope for the best. I’m going to limit the rate that people come over, and no one will mind much, if at all. I have friends. They are friends. And maybe I’m being fucktarded at times, I’m a shit friend. A short attention span combined with a lack of observational skills makes it so, but for some reason people forgive me.

People are people and that’s how it is. That’s how it should be. And the people I know, in all their flaws, are intrinsically good. I hope to be as awesome, as good, as some of them, some day.

Today, I’ll work on loving and living. And not getting stuck. And working past awkward back into a place I want to be. And realizing how much I hurt people. Forgive me, but I do love you to pieces. I’m a terrible friend, and you’ll be getting hugs and an apology next I see you. You don’t deserve my stupidity and I hope that you know I adore you, doll. Even as I’m shit at showing it.

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