089. i dreamt of tornados.

10Jun08

and lesbian children shows, but that was not the main focus of the dream. Cute, though. But the tornadoes were the ones that picked up the bus and shook it, twirling us like flecks of spun sugar in the candycane machine. Today there was a tornado warning, but it wasn’t freaky. It was just a reflection of the guilt I’m feeling over possibly fucking up the valedictorian’s project (she’s one of my partners).

I feel guilt and I shouldn’t, because we did not “make out in your car”. I was asleep, for one. That means that “making out” does not occur. I feel guilt because the day wasn’t fun and I feel like I’m the dampener and why do you guys want to hang out with me? I felt guilt because we both leave soon, I for the summer you for the year, and have mere weeks together. I should be spending time with you. I should also go help the girl who doesn’t want to cut, but keeps getting pushed to it by her shitty school and life, but that should be getting better because I gave her the check yesterday and now the house will not be lost.

The power was out for so long, and I couldn’t wake up. I am ill, somehow. Something is off, something unnamable. It is pushing us all offkilter. Maybe the heat.

The hygienist, the one who cleans the teeth, kept making me bleed. It got to the point where I was asking for tissues, and she just kept going. I still taste bitter-copper. If I am to be in pain, I’d rather it be sexy pain where I know I had a good time, not pain that has undertones of punishment from the trainee dentist.

In sixth grade, I kept looking at the away messages of a friend, bewildered. They were painful poetry, and she had just moved, and my sixth-grade brain was bad at dealing with cutting and confusion and pain. I had only just stopped measuring the rope, trying knots, testing weight and seeing where I could kick the stool from. I wasn’t able to figure what what to do, and we gradually lost contact. The messages stuck in my head, though. I learned they were lyrics, recently. I was into a few songs by the Dresden Dolls, and got the album. A the lyrics played, my heart clenched. This. This was the song, these were the words, this is the intense feeling her small text had encompassed.

Life is going to go on, and the pace will change again and again. From the school’s out time to the Buck’s Rock zone, summer will be interesting. CIT. Hopefully, this year I will be wiser, friendlier, wittier. maybe I can touch someone’s heart, and I hope that someone will touch mine in return. Home will be changed when I return, and as much as it scares me it excites me.

I want to see where this future will lead.

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One Response to “089. i dreamt of tornados.”

  1. 1 raalla

    ugh. guilt. did you not make out with someone who is not the boy? why guilt then? I don’t get it but I do understand feeling guilty even when it doesn’t make terrible amounts of sense.
    ugh. bloody teeth.
    i have small bits of empathy and lots of sympathy.

    this summer already feels like magic for me and I am thinking it feels that way for you and for lots of people, leaving and changing and going to summer places. it will be good.


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