140. she sat down, finally.

29Jan09

And the dreams waltzed away. Who the hell am I kidding? I am a fuckup. I can’t write. I can’t do shit. I have no certain skills, no applicable school subjects to excel in. I don’t fit. I’m not going to get a great job, I’m probably not even going to get into college. I’m Pip. I just… am. It’s not enough, apparently.

I think I’ll get a bit of money, then live entirely off the grid. Fuck social interaction. A small plot of land, no phone no internet just an address, make enough food for me and maybe a cat. With my luck, it’ll be eaten by coyotes.

That’s irrational, and I’d hate it. But I’m not an adult, I’m just a silly little fuckup, my mother was on her own a year ago my age, my dad in freaking college at seventeen, and I’ll be some stupid fuck who lives with her parents because she’s unable to support herself in any waysshapeorsize.

If I graduate, and I don’t get into college, I’m moving. Catching a bus, taking my earnings from my current job, and sleeping in a homeless shelter until I make enough in odd jobs to get an apartment. Maybe I can prove myself wrong, that way.

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9 Responses to “140. she sat down, finally.”

  1. KATELYNN. You are NOT a fuck up. I take serious offense to that, as I have screwed up my future about 50 times worse than you ever could.

    1) You CAN write. And not just “passably”…you could write the most brilliant, gorgeous, lovely, amazing book and be a writer for a career if you wanted.

    2) School is shit, and just because you don’t get a good grade in a class doesn’t mean you don’t excel in it. You grasp concepts in social studies and sociology like it aint nothin’, you have an insane amount of insight when it comes to interpreting things like English works, and you have this super, supreme knowledge of many subjects that will do you good in the future.

    3) If you DON’T get into the college you want, which I doubt, well…college isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We had a big professor from Syracuse come to our Public Affairs class and he told us, “College is a waste of money. You pay so much money and you don’t do work, and it doesn’t matter if you DO do work, because you’ll be in debt for the rest of your life.” He said, GO TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE. Avoiding community college for whatever reason is naive and a mistake. You don’t need to exile yourself and become a hermit when you could have a perfectly good future going to a community college, which will accept anyone regardless of their scholarly merit. And if you feel like you’re too dependent on the parentals…get an apartment with a friend in Corning. It won’t drain your wallet if two people are payin’.

    You are, undoubtedly, too young to be a fuck up. If every kid who wasn’t out of the house at 18, did mediocre in school, and didn’t know what they wanted to do in college was a fuck up, almost all teenagers would be fuck ups. And if all teenagers ARE fuck ups….well, they’ve clearly gotten out of it, because I know a lot of kids who are doing a lot of awesome things who were once in the same position as you.

    You’ll be FINE. I really hope it’s only the stress of the college season that’s made you feel this way, because I don’t think you have any reason to fear.

    With the people you know, who love you and cherish you, and smarts that you have…there’s no way that you won’t do extraordinarily. And secluding yourself from the people that love you is NOT how you should deal with your malcontent.

  2. Lindsey. I actually started crying when I read this. I really love you, have I mentioned that recently?

    I failed my IB exam. I’m going to fail pretty much everything but woodshop and chorus this semester, and it’s all because I’ve been too much a scatteredfool in class. You know my dad’s opinion on college, which sort of led to a huge panic attack. I haven’t been able to write anything, not even an essay, in months, just blog entries. I try, sitting down for hours at a time with a pen and paper, the book and the essay topic, and I can’t wrap my brain around anything. The attempts have been amusingly pathetic, at best. Every single moment I am with people, at school or hanging out, I think about what I need to get done. Once I’m home, I sit, reread the book four times, then fall fast asleep, no matter how many cups of coffee, caffeinated tea or soda I have. Panic is a weird sedative for me, whenever it’s quiet.

    The one thing I’m sure of is the love you, my family, and other friends, and it makes me feel incredible and I’m not sure why I can’t remember that feeling more often. I really do love and treasure you guys, Linds.

  3. If you failed this semester, then we both did. I had an i’m-dead-and-ive-fucked-up bitch fest in front of my study hall teacher, who told me that he’s seen kids, without the “honors student drive” (aka stupid, dirty kids), still pass the year after failing the first semester.

    If you can’t pass your IB exams, just take the locals/regents. Tell your father that it’s YOUR life, and you WILL make it work out, with or without college. Does he understand that going to CCC isn’t the end of the world? You can transfer to a big college at any point in time, but right now you clearly aren’t sure what you want to do college and major wise, so you could attend CCC until you figure it out.

    It’s a new semester, which means you aren’t behind anymore. We must APPLY OURSELVES so we won’t fail senior year. That would suck. I think we should make this a joint effort – work to make sure there’s no procrastination so there isn’t any guilt about hanging out with friends. This last semester isn’t something to brush off lightly – for you, it’s the difference between summer school or camp, and for me it’s summer school or an awesome paying job.

    OR….

    West High for another year. No, kthx. I’ll pass.

  4. 4 caryatid child

    dear pip: we don’t talk much. or at all.
    but dearling. we have been friends, we still are friends.
    i read what you write. you are talented.
    you are intelligent and funny and you are not a fuck up; you have a whole beautiful life in front of you, and it WILL be okay.
    college, community college, odd jobs and writing and an apartment with a friend…you can do it. whatever you do, you will be able to function. i have faith.
    gooooo pippin!

  5. BTW…if we’re both not taking Psych next semester, would that leave us with a Study Hall together? We should aim for that.

  6. I love you dearly, Rach. Thank you.

    And Lindsey, yes! We finally have a study hall together! And my gym class has been moved to second period. Booo. I was planning on getting early leave, and if we both have it we could just waltz out of school on a moment’s notice. (we WILL apply ourself so we actually have the grades to leave)

  7. Babeling.
    Everything they said. Lindsey and Rachel said it better than I could have.
    But I’m here. All the time. My phone is always on. I check my email obsessively.
    I love you. *huggles*

  8. 8 Katling

    I’m a bit late with this (finally got my computer back online from a nasty virus) But I heartily agree with the aforementioned statements by the happy/cool/wicked people above; you dearie, are NOT A F- UP. YOU ARE MADE OF WIN, CAN KICK THE WORLD’S BUTT, AND THEN TAKE ITS NAME! Dude, call me whenever you want, and there’s always skype! We’ll work on Sepia, or just decompress :)

    LET US PIERCE THE HEAVENS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

    *attack of hugs*

  9. Thank you, guys. All of you. I love you dearly, Kat, Leah, Rachel, Lindsey. Thank you for being such strong supports and lovers and friends and gah. Love you, dudettes.


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