oh, hai thar anxiety. I remember you!

03Sep09

Tomorrow. Class and then. Shuttle. Bus. Car. There. Butterflies, get out of my tummy. I have homework to do and German to attempt and Milton to read and all I can think is warm bluesunflower eyes and.

Whatiif whatif tears tears need songs and fullvoice and no more mouse and a place to sob that isn’t here and. What if?

Edit, 1:oo am

I started walking and walking, sniffling and thoughts gone. I found a ropeswing with a board, and sat and sobbed until it all got quiet, loud cicadas and peepers and crickets, mind silent staring at the fullfull forever moon. Started walking walking again, but got twisted and turned and left the path, no more dorm, and walked the whole campus, the loop, birks grassy and wet so take ’em off, barefoot and the deer are picking their way past the streetlamps and a part of me giggles and notes that I’m a female walking alone after midnight on a college campus, and another part of me grips my keys, but the fear isn’t there but the people I pass are jogging, on their cell phones, smoking. Its hard to stay upset and keep tears flowing when looking out for rocks, balancing on the curb to stare at the frolicking full moon. Come back where I started silence calm blank head, go to the library and find it closes, it doesn’t go 24/7 til after Labor day, shrug and hold the door open for a girl. We talk, and I arrive here. Still at peace. The Tree of Life, Klimt, is on my wall and swirls and enchants, Monet sunflowers underneath the commie hat hung on the wall.

And she asked me if my parents were okay with it, and I laughed a bit and realized that they didn’t need to be. Here is now. I can walk in the dark, I can stay up until four. Freedom of an odd sort. Freedoms I had, without the counter responsibilities. It changes everything nothing. it is growing up.

And you guys. Yes, you who I’ve commented on. And you, who silently watch this space, memories of a timeago. I miss you, all of you, more than words. the only phrase that dances and swims is that being with you is being home. The talks and goofiness and hugs and “sweetie” and. So much more.

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One Response to “oh, hai thar anxiety. I remember you!”

  1. 1 leah

    *hug* i have no idea if this is me (doubtful), but. if it at all is. i’m here. i miss you.


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