I’ve decided.

15Nov09

That I will get my English degree. Minor in German or Psych or whatever catches my fancy. Travel. Find a small school that specialized in fiber arts. Weave for the rest of my life. Be inordinately happy. Own a small business on a busy street, somewhere in New England. Or maybe somewhere entirely random.

I want to weave and create and feel soft fabric and warmth. I want to paint and hear the colors and sing them out loud. I want to writewritewrite. It has been years, now. Years since a story a word a breath of something that isn’t

In other news. I fail at being away from you. I fail at being away from all of you. I am alone and lonely, and I am too afraid to click with anyone here, and even if I wanted to I don’t know how to reach the few I’ve liked.

I want to drink and drown and I wished I smoked, so I had something to do with my hands.

And I am fine. Promise. I am the stable one, right now. I can hold multitude of sorrow, and be alright. I can’t wait until we’re together again, laughing and falling and being us.

Letters to _____.

My little mouse, my willowy bebah, I will give you snuggles and contact, and punch him because he should be there work or not.

I want to laugh with you, my vivid wonderfully strong beauty, because you deal with the world and you make it glow, and yet you find strength for others. I’m so sorry for all the pain and anxiety and crapstorm, and words aren’t helpful but we will go to Thali’s and laugh and cry and watch bad movies. You deserve it all.

My gingerbread, I want to smash the toy aisle with you and go to playgrounds and plant a vegetable garden and get sparkling grape juice and talk for hours on end, and we will.

My wonderful pokemans bebah there will be cuddlepiles and games and gossip and I love you so much. You’ve done so much for long and for so many and I’m here, promise.

My older sisters, it’ll work out. Demonic one, it sucks now but soon you will be free of this and you’ll be off scaring small children in a library somewhere, and you’ll be totally awesome. Culinary genius, it’ll be okay. Life is that fragile and you value so much, but we are here and alive and so happy that you are too.

And you, lover, I know you are stronger than that and I have every type of trust in you, and there will be fireworks when we are home and together.

My other half(s). Gods, do you know how much I admire you, how much I love you? I want to hold you, babydoll. I am so, so sorry for your loss and the upheaval and change and pain, and how strong you have to be and how hard it is to have been at odds and not there and. You are incredible. We are not gonna lose touch, no way no how.

Everyone is falling apart, happy November. Pain and suffering and we. will. make it. Promise. All of us. No child left behind, even if we are no longer children.

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One Response to “I’ve decided.”

  1. 1 leah

    email me if you so please. i’d love to talk to you. i miss you. my phone a splode and i don’t have your number anymore (sadness upon sadness!), and i love you dearly, my 1/4 lesbian.

    *enormous huggle*


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