26Oct10

hatehatehatehatehate dreams where someone dies/died/is injured, i dream too fucking vividly not to freak out. last time it was dad and no one talked about him anymore and i basically was sobbing in the bathroom until it was a reasonable hour to call, only i forgot that he was in russia so i ended up freaking out quietly for most of the day. this was a bit better, in that i kept fairly calm and just emailed trev instead of shitting bricks. or maybe it was better because my head goes, this is ridiculous. i think i can better deal with dreaming that people die, not that they’re already dead, because i can slap myself but if i didn’t see it and they aren’t there and i remember the casket, but it is a dream a dream fuck.

fucking shit. i dream with all five senses. it is really, really hard to distinguish dreams from memories, if the dream doesn’t have some outrageous bit that couldn’t occur in reality. most of the time there’s something, a giant crow, disembodied voices, whatever, something that i can point to and go, “calm down, crazy, not real!” but nothing. just the pit dropping out of my stomach and blood on the tiles and a desperate search. and i wake up and i truly do not know if that happened or not. my memory is shitty, i can barely tell you what i did yesterday, and sometimes these fucking nightmares fill in the cracks between class and conversations that i remember.

fuck dreaming.

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