last night I had my first panic attack


what the hell.

shaking and sobbing hysterically. Like an infant, screaming and I didn’t know why I couldn’t control my limbs but I physically could not. I was paralyzed with fear and my mouth kept making these inhuman noises and I. I don’t know what just happened.

The house was empty. I knew somewhere in my hind brain that being alone was a really really bad idea so I went into the other room and sobbed, but left the skype call I was in open so I could hear voices.

Sometime in the lessening of the fear I got fixed on shaving my legs, if I did that then the fear would go away like a talisman, so I brought my laptop in with me and shaved like that, trying not to shake and so fucking tempted. I haven’t cut, or even thought of it, in years. I have no scars or anything! Healed and fine. No one knew, and no one needed to because it was infrequent at best and I was always careful. So I shaved my legs without incident and it actually helped a lot. Then I grabbed more beer than I should admit and drank to the point where I was warm but not intoxicated, and went to sleep. My dreams were fine, no nightmares.

I don’t know where the fear came from, it’s been building for a few days and last night it fucking possessed me, but. There is nothing to be frightened of. There was no fucking reason for that. I am going to write it off as hormones and all the demons of this year making a devil pact, and going to move the fuck onto 2011.

holy shit that was scary.


One Response to “last night I had my first panic attack”

  1. 1 Leah

    *hugs* I’ve been there. I love you. Hang in and let me know how you are.

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