248.
gonna go through all my internet mistresses. gonna laugh myself silly at the things i thought once. gonna preserve them, forever an archivist. Gonna make sure they aren’t gonna be seen again, but.
death always get me to revisit these, doesn’t it.
aunt terry died yesterday. first paternal-sister to die. this one doesn’t hit as hard as maternal-sister, but. she was sick.
doesn’t make it easier, but. maybe i’m older now.
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Okay. I understand that you are freshman. Time-management is hard and all that jazz. But you know something? When we have a concert in two fucking days? And you don’t know your part and fuck up the tempo and in general make us sound awful?
No. No. N-n-n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
You do not join a group only to not practice the damn songs and look around listelessly in rehersal and then try to learn the goddamn piece RIGHT THER IN REHERSAL EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR A SOLID MONTH HOW THE HELL HAVE YOU NOT EVEN LISTENED TO THE SONG
How the bloody fuck did I not even realize what you were doing until now? How? And I’m making it my resonsibility to teach you because I’m the only old member on the part yes but I am offering you my time and my room and tea and even went out and got goddamn food for this, and you… don’t read my email about the time. Don’t tell me you’re not avaliable until five. Minutes. Before.
I bet you haven’t listen to the song once yet.
If this isn’t your first priority, then yeah, I understand that. We’re students, not hardcore musicians. But you made a commitmit to this fucking group and not honoring your commitments for reasosn that are not health/family? Pretty un-fucking-forgivable!
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The woman I admire most in the world wakes herself up screaming, at least once a week. She sleeps less than four hours a night. I never ask about her trauma, and she carries on like it doesn’t exist, carries the weight of the world lightly.
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Banned myself from tumblr until Saturday, but of course I could not abandon every digital mistress. As soon as I finish my work I’ll unload my head here.
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Spoke with a friend for 43 minutes and she let me bitch and bitch and grr and whine, and guh. How anyone has such patience with me is impossible to understand.
I feel a million times lighter, grounded and less caught up in the rah rah rage-mush. Thanks, Cat
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I want to break into an abandoned house and curl up on the musty bed and open the windows then listen to the rain (today is not a human-talking day in the slightest)
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There are very few emotions in my head at 3:45 am, driving sixty-five on the rain-drenched highway, singing Indigo Girls loudly and watching the colorful signs and streetlamps mirrored on the asphalt.
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sidenote
wearing someone else’s talisman creates so much vulnerability in me
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Or rather, I start listening to a radio program, and slowly surely I get distracted and start reading to the low hum of voices. Usually NPR programs that have been heard before, or an interview that isn’t catching my attention.
It’s a quiet moment where no one is in the same state, and I am burnt lazy. My legs were dipped in fire long enough to turn the carapace red, and the rest of me is touched with heat. It’s nice in the way that pain is usually nice, pushing things into a weird shity perspective.
I should mention the fever rises and dies, depending on drugs and exertion.
We drove long and arrived late, and watched anime and limped around. Firefly’s back was- well, bad. Bad enough that that leads into today, the ER quiet and the waiting and waiting, awkward conversation. His mother was there, and there was this bizarre moment where I started to step back to let his mom by his side, and he grabbed my hand instead. Huh.
A few days ago, he jumped up from bed, slightly panicked, muttering about how he needed to check something, and he tore his bag apart in a frenzy. He stopped, let out a full-body-release sigh, and fiddled with something around his neck. It was the octopus necklace I gave him forever ago, that matches mine. He wears it everyday. I forget this somehow. And he just wrapped his fingers around it, tipped his head back and flopped back down, telling me about how he took it off at the beach. I’m wearing it right now, as he went to get x-rays done at some point, gave it to me to wear. The edges are slightly worn from his fingers.
Now everyone is home and resting.
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Somedays I just have the urge to kick people who have the ‘suck it up’ mentality. That approach can work, yeah, if you only let people into your life who can do exactly that but. Do not tell someone to ‘suck it up’ when they actually cannot. When they are too bruised and battered and lost to even begin being able to function, ‘suck it up’ will never work and honestly, just go. You don’t deserve to have the good things their presence gives you if you tell people with actual problems to ‘suck it up’
People are different and if you chose to let someone into your life or have no choice in the matter, people are different. Maybe you can disconnect from a situation but they cannot, and it is unfair to try and push the way you think, the way you are on someone else. If you want someone in your life and someone important to them is in a place where they cannot handle, can hurt themselves through knowledge or circumstances…
I am the one who has made the choice to let them into my life, and I am the one who needs to realize how much this person is depended on by another. I cannot fucking blame them for the fact that another person in dependent on them. I cannot begrudge them for limiting information to this person, even at the momentary cost of a facet of our relationship. I chose to be his person, and with that comes his ties and responsibilities, and to ignore the weight of that or belittle is just. Purely unfair and wrong
This is vague but really it is just to get it out of my system.
Bluh.
Gonna go clean and not think.
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thoughts.musings.whims 